Nearly all parents lie to their children. Joy and excitement are evoked by tales of Santa and the tooth fairy. However, not all lies are beneficial.
As a psychologist who has worked with parents for more than 20 years, I have witnessed the lies that sometimes well-meaning parents tell. They may be intended to encourage positive conduct or safeguard a child’s feelings.
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The old proverb “time heals all wounds” is one of the half-truths they were exposed to as children. Parents may not even be aware that they are lying when they repeat them. However, they don’t last, and they can eventually hurt your child’s relationships, profession, health, and general well-being.
Thankfully, there’s always time to spread a fresh message. Parents often say the following six lies, which can prevent their children from succeeding:
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This expression is frequently used to inspire kids to work hard or follow their aspirations. However, these remarks may backfire.
If children are taught that anything is possible, they could feel upset when their efforts don’t yield results or blame themselves when things don’t go their way.
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Being realistic is preferable. Rethink the definition of success. Having the guts to try is more important than continuously failing at the goal.
After all, there is a negative connotation to this behavior. It is often associated with rudeness, cruelty, and egotism.
The truth is that selfishness isn’t always a negative thing.
Sometimes it’s good for youngsters to put themselves first. Rescheduling plans when a friend is exhausted is self-care, but not sharing with them can be selfish. Psychologists refer to this as “healthy selfishness.” It can increase wellbeing and self-worth, both of which support children’s growth.
This is a common statement said by parents since it is difficult to witness their child in agony, whether it be from receiving bad news or from being upset about something.
A optimistic outlook might occasionally help reduce stress, particularly when you’re experiencing anxiety. However, it doesn’t resolve every issue. Furthermore, it’s not the healthiest message to urge children to always have a positive attitude.
It suggests that the best method to handle difficult emotions is to project a false sense of optimism. This approach invalidates what children are going through when they are depressed, sad, or afraid, and it may cause them to feel as though they must hide or pretend.
Instill in your children the belief that “it’s okay not to be okay.” Remind them that you’ll be there to support them through any challenges, no matter how minor, and acknowledge that life can be challenging. Your child’s emotional resilience is strengthened when you have an open discussion about challenging emotions.
Most parents want their children to be self-sufficient. However, repeating this can give the impression that it is improper to rely on others and ask for assistance. that it renders them incapable or feeble. It’s a belief that may hinder their progress in life, friendships, and education.
Encouraging age-appropriate independence and allowing your children to ask for and accept help when they need it is a more balanced strategy.
Children who have the confidence to speak out don’t hesitate to ask for help, even as adults, which helps them solve difficulties and build healthy, mutually beneficial relationships.
Our culture occasionally conveys the idea that showing emotion, particularly grief, is a sign of immaturity or a weakness.
Children begin to identify grief, fear, or rage with guilt and shame as a result of hearing these phrases. They learn to block these intelligent communications with barriers like avoidance, self-criticism, and perfectionism when they aren’t allowed to express their emotions.
We are unable to make well-informed decisions when we are emotionally detached. Tell your children that it’s acceptable to cry, even if your parents didn’t accept it.
Although stating the truth is a valuable virtue, it is sometimes permissible to tell a white lie.
A family member may insist on cooking everyone dinner despite their inability to do so, or they may provide strange birthday presents. It may be acceptable for you or your child to lie in these circumstances.It’s okay to shield someone else’s feelings from innocuous behavior.
But explain the difference to your child. Describe when and why it is acceptable to tell a white lie. You may also say: “When you don’t like grandma’s cooking, it’s okay to tell her it was delicious, so you don’t hurt her feelings.”
Although it may seem paradoxical, talking to your child about lying eventually promotes greater honesty and trust.
A professional psychologist with almost twenty years of expertise working with new parents is Dr. Juli Fraga. She co-wrote the upcoming book “Parents Have Feelings, Too.”In addition, she oversees psychiatry residents at the University of California, San Francisco (UCSF) hospital and conducts workshops for expectant parents. Follow her at @parentshavefeelingstoo on Instagram.
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